Adventures with Uncle Mike

To honor the impending arrival of Great Uncle Mike (83), I have decided to post a memorable experience of the last time he came to visit.

What you should understand about Uncle Mike is that he is a bachelor, 100% pure New Jersey, and 75% crazy. I have spent even less time with him than I have with my grandma. It was my uncle’s official duty to bring my grandmother to me last year. Yes, an 82-year-old man was responsible for bringing his 88-year-old sister with Alzheimer’s. Not the brightest idea in the world, but it wasn’t my idea.

My plan was to make Uncle Mike love this town so much he would move here on his own, while he was still lucid. Uncle Mike loves the outdoors and hiking, canoeing, etc. So, what better way to make him love *Rolling Plains but to take him down on the trails by the river and let him see he could go there everyday.

Driving in the car:

Me: Uncle Mike, I have a surprise for you. You are going to love it!
UM: (Thick New Jersey Accent) Is it prostitutes?
Me: (Not thinking I heard correctly) What?
UM: Are you takin’ me to some prostitutes?
Me: Uncle Mike! I don’t know where to find prostitutes.
UM: Well, ya just dangle a dolla bill out da winda. Is there a downtown?
Me: That is not your surprise. I really don’t think that will work anyway.
UM: Well, that’s probably for the best. It’s been a while. It’d be like stickin’ a limp noodle in a tiger’s ass.
Me: WHAT? No, No, prostitutes Uncle Mike. (pulling the car up by the trails) Here Uncle Mike. See isn’t it beautiful here? You could go walking everyday!
UM: So, there really aren’t any prostitutes?

I am quite sure my uncle was kidding around, but seriously, I had only met this guy twice before. Although I was unable to talk him out of leaving his beloved NJ, I am very excited that he has decided to come back out for a visit and to see his sista.