Adventures with Uncle Mike

To honor the impending arrival of Great Uncle Mike (83), I have decided to post a memorable experience of the last time he came to visit.

What you should understand about Uncle Mike is that he is a bachelor, 100% pure New Jersey, and 75% crazy. I have spent even less time with him than I have with my grandma. It was my uncle’s official duty to bring my grandmother to me last year. Yes, an 82-year-old man was responsible for bringing his 88-year-old sister with Alzheimer’s. Not the brightest idea in the world, but it wasn’t my idea.

My plan was to make Uncle Mike love this town so much he would move here on his own, while he was still lucid. Uncle Mike loves the outdoors and hiking, canoeing, etc. So, what better way to make him love *Rolling Plains but to take him down on the trails by the river and let him see he could go there everyday.

Driving in the car:

Me: Uncle Mike, I have a surprise for you. You are going to love it!
UM: (Thick New Jersey Accent) Is it prostitutes?
Me: (Not thinking I heard correctly) What?
UM: Are you takin’ me to some prostitutes?
Me: Uncle Mike! I don’t know where to find prostitutes.
UM: Well, ya just dangle a dolla bill out da winda. Is there a downtown?
Me: That is not your surprise. I really don’t think that will work anyway.
UM: Well, that’s probably for the best. It’s been a while. It’d be like stickin’ a limp noodle in a tiger’s ass.
Me: WHAT? No, No, prostitutes Uncle Mike. (pulling the car up by the trails) Here Uncle Mike. See isn’t it beautiful here? You could go walking everyday!
UM: So, there really aren’t any prostitutes?

I am quite sure my uncle was kidding around, but seriously, I had only met this guy twice before. Although I was unable to talk him out of leaving his beloved NJ, I am very excited that he has decided to come back out for a visit and to see his sista.

Grizzly’s Conversations

For some reason, my grandmother refuses to understand that a girl my age, 25, can be single. That added to the fact that “I don’t really know her” leads to quite a few problems. When we go out to lunch, I usually take her to Grizzly’s. Why? There doesn’t seem to be a lot of people there and I wanted to see how she reacted to all of the taxidermy animals. We have had many conversations at Grizzly’s but one in particular stands out in my mind.

Sitting down at the table:

Gma: (looking around) This is an interesting place. I bet a lot of people come here.
Me: Yup. It is very popular. (We are the only ones seated.)
Gma: So, how is Richard doing?
Me: Oh, he’s fine, busy.
Gma: Is he a nice husband?
Me: I guess so.
Gma: How long have you two been married?
Me: I am not married to Richard. He is my father.
Gma: Oh? Why didn’t anyone tell me that?
Me: We did Grandma. You just don’t remember.
Gma: That could be. So, are you dating anyone?
Me: No.
Gma: Why not.
Me: I don’t want to.
Gma: (as waitress approaches the table) Are you a lesbian? Do you like girls?
Me: (In disbelief that my grandma knows what a lesbian is) No!
Waitress: Do you two need a minute?
Me: YES!

My grandmother has not asked me that question again. This is something that is an oddity and something I am extremely grateful for.

“Was he handsy? Did he get fresh? You know what boys want don’t you?”

This past January I was on a date when my phone rang. I apologized to my date, grabbed my phone and saw that it was Gma. I ignored the phone call and put it on vibrate. She tried to call several more times.

When I got home I called her right away to see what the big commotion was:

Me: Grandma, what is going on? You called eight times within two hours
Gma: Oh, did I?
Me: Yes. What do you need?
Gma: I have to ask you a question.
Me: Okay.
Gma: I can’t remember. What were you doing when I called?
Me: (uttering words I should never have uttered) I was on a date, Grams.
Gma: Your boyfriend?
Me: No, just a first date.
Gma: So, what was he like.
Me: Nice. Very polite.
Gma: Was he fresh?
Me: Fresh?
Gma: Was he handsy?
Me: (Dying a little bit) No Grams, he wasn’t handsy or fresh.
Gma: Well, what are guys like these days?
Me: They are all a little different.
Gma: Was he fresh with you?
Me: No Grandma!

As you can imagine, the conversation looped and circled mostly in regards as to whether I got, shall we say, “busy” with my date or not. After hanging up the phone and not figuring out the original reason she called, I was happy the conversation was over and done with. After all, she can’t remember that I’m not Richard’s wife, how is she going to remember I went on a date? Boy was I wrong!

Phone call several hours later:

Me: Hi Grandma.
Gma: How did you know it was me?
Me: It shows up on my phone.
Gma: Oh. (Pause) I have to ask you a question.
Me: Okay.
Gma: Where is my checkbook?
Me: I have it, Grams.
Gma: That is what I thought. So, tell me about your boyfriend.
Me: I don’t have a boyfriend.
Gma: You went on a date.
Me: How do you remember that?
Gma: Because you told me.
Me: Umm…he is very nice and polite.
Gma: Handsy? You know what boys want?
Me: Umm…to play checkers?
Gma: Some, perhaps. But was he handsy?
Me: No Grandma.
Gma: But he is your boyfriend, right?
Me: No. We have only been on one date. We can see other people.
Gma: You see other boys too! You are one of those girls!
Me: Grams, it was one date. We aren’t boyfriend and girlfriend.
Gma: So you go out with more than one boy at once?
Me: Grams can we change the topic.
Gma: Oh. Well, where is my checkbook?

That conversation was almost five months ago and for some strange reason she still remembers it. He and I are no longer dating and in fact there were quite a few dates after him. When Gma asks about him I just change the name and occupation to whomever I am dating at the moment. That you see, Grandma can’t remember.